Confidence is a feeling that you can act, in an effective way, when you are challenged.
Confidence is not always applicable to all areas of life. It is possible to be noticeably confident in certain situations and less so in others. Some people are confident in the workplace but find social gatherings a challenge.
We are not born confident, and it is a skill which we can acquire. Confidence is a bit like the fairy tale Goldilocks and the three bears. We can be under confident, over confident or about right.
Over confidence can make individuals come across:
- as arrogant, cocky or full of it (you can insert your own word!).
- Their performance may not match their confidence.
- They may come across as narcissistic
Under confidence can make individuals appear:
- Shy, indecisive, and unsure
- They may well be very capable, but they do not allow themselves to either think or show it.
- It can affect choices, decisions, and performance.
- It can stop you from doing new things.
- It can affect many areas of life in both professional and social contexts.
When your confidence level is “about right” you appear:
- Trustworthy and knowledgeable
- You inspire others, who know that they can rely on you
- You can cope with pressure and challenges
- You can rely on experience to help you make good decisions
Going through a divorce is just one of many things that can affect your confidence. Some of the key issues described by professional women include:
- Losing a sense of identity or status
- Having to do new things alone
- Having to do the same things alone
- Previous behaviour from their spouse may have undermined their self-worth
- Divorce may come at a time when women are peri or menopausal. This can have a significant impact on confidence in its own right.
- Concerns about their appearance
- Concerns about the views of others
- The entire divorce process is challenging and adds pressure to an already stressful life
- Many emotions can affect confidence
- We can be very self-critical and tell ourselves many things which are not true
What is really happening when you have lost your confidence?
That sentence should read:
What is really happening when you think you have lost your confidence?
The good news is that your confidence has not been lost, it is just temporarily misplaced. With a little bit of work, you will be able to locate it again.
When stressed, you cannot recognise yourself in your most confident state. Negative thoughts convince you that you will not be able to perform well or meet a challenge. That can show up and make you feel many different emotions such as fear, anxiety or dread. Your brain tells you that you have lost your confidence.
What can you do?
This short exercise will help you to create a positive example of you at your absolute best. It will help your brain to remember just how strong and powerful you are.
- Re-create, in your mind, a time when you felt most confident. Really sit with the thoughts and feel what it was like. You might find it helpful to write it down.
- What assumptions did you make about yourself?
- What assumptions did you make about others?
- What enabled you to feel confident?
- Exactly how did you feel?
Sometimes it can be hard to think of a good example of when you felt most confident. If that happens to you, try this:
- Think of a role model who inspires you.
- What are their qualities that you most admire?
- Imagine yourself behaving like your role model.
- What do you think you would be thinking or feeling?
When you are struggling and feeling under confident, repeat these steps and you will feel your confidence return.
Remember that skills require practice to gain competence. Usually once you have done something for the first time, then next time will not feel as overwhelming. We are often plagued by fear of failure, which I have written about in The Divorce Village here.
I would love to know how you get on with the coaching exercises. Let me know in the comments.
You’ve got this!
