How to avoid the comparison trap

November 30, 2021
Lucinda Homer

Have you ever thought “I don’t know how she does it”?

Professional women get stuff done. It goes with the territory. We do responsible jobs and manage busy lives at home. There are lots of balls in the air and we do not like it when we drop one. Juggling becomes a way of life, and we get incredibly good at it.

Do any of these scenarios look familiar?

It’s World book day tomorrow and your child forgot to tell you.

No problem, I will rummage through the toy box and cobble something together. It’s not a problem if we do Harry Potter again is it?

You have an important presentation due at work and your laptop has seized up.

No problem, I will try to download my presentation from the cloud (if I saved it there…) or failing that rewrite it tonight. Who needs sleep?

Parents evening clashes with your only opportunity to go to your weekly spin class.

No problem, I will go to spin class, try to fit in having a shower afterwards, and rush over to school. Failing that dry shampoo and deodorant will have to do. Reality check – I will look like a hot mess and my teenage son will be mortified. It’s just not going to happen, and I will let exercise slip this week.

These themes are so common in our modern lives that TV series, films and books have them at their core. We can laugh at ourselves while watching Motherland. If you have time to read, Allison Pearson’s book “I don’t know how she does it” is well worth a look. It was so good that it was made into a movie.

The danger of the comparison trap.

We spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others and measuring up where we fit in. The dangers of social media, advertising and portrayal of “perfect lives” are all around us. It can be hard not to think that we are lagging behind the picture-perfect women we see.

Some women have an army of help behind them (PA, child minder, cleaner, gardener, partner etc).

Some women have partners, family and friends, and can ask for help.

Some women think that they must do it all on their own, or there must be something wrong with them.

What happens when Divorce comes into your life?

Divorce throws complicated emotions and unexpected problems into your busy life. It might feel like you should be able to work out what to do and how to fit everything together all by yourself.

It does not matter who you are, or what your personal circumstances are, ALL women struggle with something when they have relationship problems, separate or divorce. It does not matter if you juggle with 3 balls or 7, if the relationship ball falls then you risk dropping the others.

Manageable becomes overwhelming.
Calm becomes chaos.
Self-care turns into don’t care.
Confidence turns into anxious.
Security turns into fear of loss.
Independence feels like a misnomer when there are so many extra demands on your time.

The good news is that Divorce does not have to be a chaos bomb in your life. There are things that you can put into place to make things easier on yourself.

The following suggestions might be helpful:

Unhelpful thoughts make you feel rubbish, and you can learn how to manage them.
It is completely normal to have unwelcome feelings, but they are just feelings, and they will pass.
It is not normal to feel happy all the time.
It is important to make time for self-care. If there is nothing in your self-compassion tank, it is much harder to function at work and home.
It is OK to ask for help. You don’t have to do this all alone.
Look for community. You might be surprised at what a metaphorical village can help you do.
Working out which of your beliefs limit you, can be enlightening for many areas of your life.
Professional women can have it all (whatever that means to you), just not necessarily all at the same time.
Today might be tough, but tomorrow will soon be here.